Growing up the daughter of a very young, very scared single mother, I learned very early never to ASK for anything because it was always met with “NO”, and a verbal reminder we had no money/nothing. I grew up afraid to ask for what I wanted or needed because it was pointless and always met with anger or disdain. Thus began my journey of feeling undeserving, unsupported, and poor.
I have a distinct memory of being 10 years old, wrapped in my grandmother’s sparkly gold scarf, a wide-brimmed hat, and red lipstick; slowly waving my arm in the air holding one of my mom’s unlit cigarettes. I was a fabulous movie star, admired and loved by my fans. I would be rich and famous and own beautiful things someday! I could not understand why everyone around me settled for mediocrity.
As a young woman in her 20s starting on her own, I craved lovely things.
I was the girl who worked 2 or 3 jobs at the same time so I could buy what I wanted. No settling for mediocrity- I had a nice car, awesome vacations, and expensive clothes. And I was heavily in debt due to my desire to live my dream life.
Then, in my early 40’s, I discovered Network Marketing- the answer to fulfilling my 10-year-old decree of fame and fortune! I got involved in a network marketing company that promised to help me get out of debt and create massive income streams! All I had to do was build a sales team and I could drive a brand-new champagne-colored Lexus, and take 4 cruises a year. It was the answer to EVERYTHING!
It was 2013 in sunny southern California and I was determined to have the life I had always wanted. I joined all the networking groups, went to every event, watched many hours of videos, and listened to podcasts about the business. I talked to all my friends about the fabulous results they would get from taking this amazing product called Isagenix. I KNEW I could sell the product because I BELIEVED in the product. If you know about network marketing the goal is creating a big loyal team. I set out to tell everyone I met about this product and sign them up for my team!
The problem was, I could never confidently talk about the business – despite all my mentors encouraging me. I did try but I was deeply afraid of rejection- striking a dissonant chord inside my soul that went straight back to childhood. I felt profoundly undeserving. I did not have the confidence to sell the dream and certainly did not believe I had what it took to lead a successful team. I knew I had much work to do on my self-esteem.
Forward to 2018. I spent a full 5 years immersed in personal development working to overcome my fear and build my confidence. I truly believed that if I just studied more, I’d eventually get the hang of this team building but I didn’t. I joined Toastmasters to boost my confidence and leadership skills. I went door to door in my neighborhood to invite everyone to a party to build relationships. I held workshops. I had a mentor.
Nothing worked. I gave up trying. Network Marketing was not for me.
My subconscious didn’t support the idea of me being a team leader or earning big money. Do you know the Subconscious? That tape recorder of other people’s voices puts ideas in your head over your lifetime, causing you to doubt and fear.
My struggle was NOT that I did not know enough or work hard enough to prove I was worthy… It was my deeply ingrained subconscious program of lack and insecurity running the show and that energy shaped my fear of rejection and of rocking the boat.
Once I began to recognize my lack and insecurity in internal programming and to observe my struggles, I was able to identify what needed to change and began to alter my inner beliefs.
Interesting how that works. I read something just last week,
”Anything you work hard for, struggle to make happen and put a lot of effort into and you are not making much progress means – your subconscious programming doesn’t support that conclusion.”
Hmmmmmm….
That was 2018 and I have done an amazing job to overcome my obstacles of lack and insecurity by creating new beliefs. I no longer worry about other people’s thoughts; the Universe ALWAYS takes care of me.
Once I adopted the idea that there are many opportunities to create money and abundance and I have nothing to prove to anyone, my life changed. Just like that.
I learned that forcing outcomes DOES NOT work.
What does work? It is simple. Once you recognize your fears or hang-ups as a result of other people or past experiences you can be kind to yourself. Our thoughts and beliefs have a huge impact on the health of our body, mind, and spirit and I could no longer be around gossip or negative, complaining or judging people.
I learned everything I could about energy healing and clearing trapped emotions and bad energies and the effects of negativity on one’s body and soul. I began sharing my knowledge and working with other people and they told me they felt better and my confidence grew.
My biggest impact was realizing the hundreds of people I have done energy healing work on had way more fears than I did. The most beautiful and most innovative and successful people were filled with deep wounds and insecurities. This comforted my soul. I was grateful for my blessings. I had everything I needed. Everyone is on their journey in this world. I now say I am grateful for where I am and the universe has my back—no fears and finally secure.
